On the Road Again
By John Norberg, Humor Columnist s

With two young grandchildren on the east coast, my wife and I have been doing a lot of 11 hour drives lately.

Eleven hours is the actual driving time. It doesn't include stops. But since we get excellent gas mileage I only have to stop once the entire trip for a fill up that takes about three minutes.


As with many things in life, my wife and I have different opinions about 11 hour drives.

Wife: "There a really historic little town up ahead a little way off the interstate. Why don't we pull off and take a look at it."

Me: "I'm planning to pull off for gas as soon as we reach Delaware."

Wife: "When will we reach Delaware?"

Me: "In about eight hours."

Wife: "We are on a journey. A journey is a wonderful opportunity to explore little out of the way towns, antique stores, interesting restaurants.

Me: "Yes, we are on a journey to get to our son's house as fast as possible. If I stop now it will mess up the GPS."

Wife: How will it mess up the GPS?"

Me: "Because I'm trying to get to our son's house faster than what the GPS says it will take. I’m racing it to prove that I'm better than it is."

Wife: "I need a restroom anyway. Why don’t you pull off at the next place?"

Me: "According to my phone app, there is a restroom in 120 miles."

Wife: "Just pull off at a gas station."

Me: "Do you realize how long it takes to get off the interstate, drive half a mile to the gas station, park the car, get out, find the restrooms, and wait in line? It's much faster to use rest stops."

Wife: "Do you want to listen to me complain for the next 120 miles that I need a rest room?"

Me: "I'm pulling over. You'll have three minutes."

Wife: "Aren't you coming in?"

Me: "I don't need to."

A half an hour passes.

Me: "I'm pulling off the highway up here."

Wife: "I told you to use the last place, but you are too stubborn aren't you? You wanted to prove you could travel father than me without needing to stop. Now you're adding time to our trip. By the way, you've got three minutes."

A few more hours pass.

Wife: "Are we going to stop for lunch?"

Me: "Already?"

Wife: "It's 3 p.m. It's almost time for dinner."

Me: "All right. Where do you want to stop?"

Wife: "Someplace nice where we can get out of the car, stretch our legs, get a nice salad, relax and talk for awhile. Where do you want to eat?

Me: "Someplace with a drive-thru."

Wife: "Why do we always have to be in such a hurry? Why can't we take our time and enjoy the journey?"

Me: "I do enjoy the journey. I enjoy getting where we're going as fast as possible and beating the estimated arrival time on the GPS."

Wife: "We have passed three antique stores and two outlet malls in the past hour. We've passed through historic sites. Up ahead there are beautiful mountains. We should get off the interstate and take the scenic route. Don't you understand that life is a journey and not a destination? Do you think this is the Indy 500? If I were driving this would be a much different trip."

Me: "Boy the tires are noisy on this road surface. I can't hear a thing you're saying."

Wife: "I give up."

Me: "If you are asking for another rest stop I'll be pulling off for gas in 200 miles."

And women wonder why men always want to do the driving.

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