Love to the Test
John Norberg, humor columnist s

Marriage vows are important. I take them very seriously.

When my wife and I married, I promised to love and to cherish her in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer.

But I do not recall ever saying anything about sharing my ice cream cone with her.

Shortly after we were married, my wife put a photo in our bedroom. It pictures a little boy and little girl sitting side by side.

The little girl is holding a spoon and an empty waffle cone. She's eaten her ice cream. The little boy has a waffle cone that is still filled with ice cream.

So the little girl has her eyes on the little boy's ice cream and her spoon is ready to dig in.

"Do you know what's happening here?” my wife asked.

Me: "That little boy is about to lose his ice cream.”

Wife: "Not exactly. He's going to share it. He loves the little girl so much he's willing to share his ice cream with her.”

At the time I thought it was a pretty stupid thing for the little boy to do.

But I now understand this photo was put on display to explain what was going to happen to me for the rest of my ice cream life.

To a woman, eating from her husband's ice cream cone is sharing. To a man, it's outright ice cream theft.

Men and women are very different when it comes to ice cream. Both love ice cream. A man will jump in boldly and get a big cone with two or maybe even three scoops.

A woman, on the other hand, will order a tiny little dish because she's concerned about calories. Naturally, she'll finish her tiny little dish before the man finishes his three scoops.

And that's when she goes in for the theft — or the share, depending upon your gender-thinking.

It's a well-known fact that in woman-think, ice cream eaten out of a husband's cone contains no calories for her.

They all go to the husband.

Last weekend we visited Fair Oaks Farms in Fair Oak, Ind. Of course we bought ice cream. They have more than 30,000 dairy cows on these farms that are capable of producing something like 150,000 gallons of ice cream every day.

This is my kind of place!

We got in line for ice cream.

Wife: "What are you going to get? Chocolate chip? Cookie dough?”

Me: "Why are you interested in what flavor ice cream I'm going to get?”

Wife: "I just want to help you make a good choice. I know you want to get something that you'll really like. Why don't you get the mint chocolate chip?”

That's what I got. A huge waffle cone. Three big scoops. I don't know what my wife got in her little dish. She had eaten it all by the time we sat down by a table.

Me: "Why are you looking at my ice cream cone?”

Wife: "I love mint chocolate chip.”

Me: "You're going to eat my ice cream, aren't you?”

Wife: "I just want a taste. You have so much. You know you got three scoops so you could share some with me.”

Me: "I got three scoops because I love ice cream.”

Wife: "I think it's very noble of a man to share his ice cream with the woman he loves.”

Me: "What if the man would rather have three scoops of mint chocolate chip than nobility?”

Wife: "I'm just going to take my tiny plastic spoon and take a little taste.”

Me: "I know what's going to happen here. You'll take one little taste, then another, then another. Where is it written that I have to share my ice cream?”

Wife: "It actually says right in the Bible that he who has two should share with she who has none left. And you have three scoops!”

So this is the way it is, and sometimes you just have to accept it. God created man. God created woman. Then God created ice cream for man to share with woman.

So it is written. So let it be done.

Thankfully, God also created opportunity.

And as soon as my wife went to the ladies room, I used that opportunity to hustle back and eat another ice cream cone before she returned.

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