Hoarders Anonymous
John Norberg, humor columnist s

It is time to confess.

My name is John.

And I take shampoo, conditioner, soap, shoeshine cloths and kits, sewing kits and hair caps from every hotel I stay in.

You heard me right. Hair caps.

I can't help myself. Hotels are expensive and they leave all this stuff in our rooms – much more than I need. So I take it.

I got back from a working weekend in Chicago last week and was unpacking my bag in our bathroom.

My wife opened a bottom cabinet drawer.

Wife: "Okay, put everything you took from the hotel in here with all the rest of the stuff."

Me: "I don't think there's room."

Wife: "That's point. There are more than 50, little, two inches bottles of shampoo and conditioner in this drawer, dozens of soap bars still wrapped in their containers. There are shoeshine kits, sewing kits, shower caps and more other stuff than I even want to know about in this drawer. When are you going to stop?"

Me: "I can't help myself. But you have to give me credit. I've never stolen a lamp, an alarm clock or even a coffee maker from a hotel. I just go for the little stuff."

Wife: When you travel you bring your own shampoo and soap. Why don't you use the stuff the hotel puts out?"

Me: "I don't want to ruin the hotel stuff. I want it in the original containers that say Hilton, Marriott and even Red Roof Inn. This is good for the economy. Think of all the people who make little bars of soap I keep employed."

Wife: "What are we going to do with all this soap and shampoo? You've taken enough to last us five years."

Me: "Well this is the point we don't need to buy soap and shampoo anymore. We can just use the hotel products and save money. We've got to cut expenses wherever we can in retirement.

Wife: "Fine. Here's shampoo from the Hilton. Use this in the morning."

Me: "I can't use Hilton shampoo here at home. It's too classy. Look at the gold container and the fancy writing on the container. It's too high class to use at home."

Wife: "Then where are you going to use it?"

Me: "Maybe at my fishing trip next weekend."

Wife: "You're going to use Hilton shampoo on a fishing trip? Who are you trying to impress. The fish?"

Me: "You never know what attracts fish."

My son and I were in New York last January and they had leopard and zebra robes in our room.

Son: "Are you going to take these robes along with all the shampoo?" he asked.

Me: "I can't wear those. People from Indiana don't wear leopard and zebra robes."

I'm going to continue taking soap and shampoo, pens, note pads and shoe shine kits.

But if they ever put the soap and shampoo leopard wrapping, I'm cured.

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