Grandads grand slam
John Norberg, humor columnist s

My wife and I have had our fourth grandchild. His name is Alex.

I suppose, technically, we didn't have Alex. Our son and his wife had Alex. And even more to the point, our daughter-in-law gave birth to him.

But grandparents don't think technically or even to the point. We think emotionally accompanied by candy and ice cream. In our minds, he's our grandchild and the parents are just here to do the work of raising him while we have the fun of spoiling him.

That's why we we're called "grand” parents. We get the grand part of the deal.

I think you know what it means when I say we've had our fourth grandchild.

It's means one more and I'll have my own basketball team.

I do love sports and all our children and grandchildren are good athletes.

I told my wife I would get Alex some sports equipment for Christmas. The other day she checked on my progress.

Wife: "What did you get for Alex? Did you get him a ball?”

Me: "No. I got him three balls: a basketball, a football and a baseball. I also got him a football helmet, a baseball glove and bat, Nike Air Jordans, the Madden 13 NFL video game, and a tennis racquet. ”

Wife: "He's five months old.”

Me: "And your point is . . .?”

Wife: "I thought you'd get him a little soft, fabric ball. He can't even walk yet.”

Me: "So, he'll learn to walk. He'll grow into this stuff and when he's ready he'll have the equipment he needs.”

Wife: "I'm halfway surprised you didn't buy him a set of golf clubs.”

Me: "Didn't I mention that? They're in my trunk.”

Wife: "He's a baby. He can't play golf.”

Me: "I'll get him lessons.”

Wife: "What if he grows up and doesn't like sports?”

Me: "That's why we need to get him started young so he'll learn to love sports.”

Wife: "And he'll sit around all day on Thanksgiving watching football games while his poor wife cooks dinner for an army of relatives.”

Me: "Are we still talking about Alex because this conversation sounds familiar.”

My wife said she was interested in getting an early start developing his intellect, compassion and love for reading more than his athleticism.

Wife: "I bought him a book.”

Me: "A book? What book?”

Wife: "'Brown Bear, Brown Bear What Do You See.' It's beautiful. He'll love it and learn from it.”

Me: "Thank goodness. I bought him a book too and I was afraid we got the same one.”

Wife: "What book did you get him?”

Me: "A childhood classic: ‘Sports Illustrated Football's Greatest.' It tells him everything he needs to know. Who's the best quarterback? Who's the greatest wide receiver?”

Wife: "Does it say anything about who's the craziest granddad?”

I decided this was probably a bad moment to tell her I'd also bought him a basketball goal for his driveway.

And as I think about it, I also probably shouldn't ask her to wrap it before I put it under the tree.

Copyright © Federated Publications