by John Norberg, humor columnist s

I know what everyone says today.

The world is full of change.

But, I'm not into change myself.

The other day when my wife asked if I could give her some change, I had to tell her I couldn't .

Wife: "Well then, the next time you go to the bank, would you please get some change for me?"

Me: "Why do you need change?"

Wife: "I need change to buy things, to pay a bill at a restaurant or to use in a vending machine. What do you use change for?"

Well, to tell you the truth, I use change the same way a lot of men use it. I used it to fill a jar in my closet. When it's full, I take it to the Family Service's Penny Harvest.

Actually it's really hard to even get change anymore. I never even go into the bank. I go to a machine outside the bank. I feed it a card, punch in some numbers and it gives me cash. And it doesn't give me coins. It gives me twenties - nice crisp twenties.

As part of my lifelong study of the basic differences between men and women, I have discovered another one.

Women use change. Men spend bills. And the bigger the bills better.

When men buy something they will pull a bill out of their wallet that is big enough to cover the cost.

Women will dig through their purse to try and find the exact change.

This is obviously genetic.

Women have an exact change gene.

When three women eat lunch together and have a $21.70 cent bill they will split it three ways according to what each had to eat.

They will all search for the exact change and calculate a tip to the penny.

When three men eat together and have a $21.70 combined tab, they will each throw out a $20 bill and argue about who's going to pick up their twenty.

They go around and around for five minutes and nobody gives an inch. So they all get up from the table at the same time and leave their three $20 bills behind to cover the $21.70 tab.

And women wonder why waitresses give groups of men better service than groups of women.

It's the same thing in a check out line at the store. Men avoid getting in line behind women because when women pay cash they dig into their purse to make exact change. It slows down the line while they search for it.

Men think they're much more efficient. They just throw out fives, tens or twenties.

This slows down the line while the clerk makes change.

There is one man I know who loves change. His name is Matty. He is 8 years old and he loves to collect change in his treasure box. He shakes it so he can listen to it jingle.

His eyes glow.

Matty: "Granddad can I have a ten dollar bill for my change? It's all here in nickels and pennies. You can count it if you want."

Granddad: "I'll take your word for it. But then what am I going to do with all of the coins?"

Matty: "It's okay. I'll help you. I can keep them for you."

The way this boy embraces change, I'm confident he will have a bright future.

People keep telling me that I've got to accept change.

But I think I'll stick with fives, tens and twenties.

Copyright © Federated Publications