Bucket List
John Norberg, humor columnist s

Friends and I have been talking about our bucket lists. A bucket list is a catalog of things people want to do before they "kick the bucket" or go their eternal reward -- or the other thing, whichever the case may be.

Now that we're retired these lists are becoming a lot more important to us since we're getting closer and closer to that bucket.

My friends have all kinds of exciting things on their lists – skydiving, scuba diving, travel and adventure.

My list is a little simpler and down to earth.

Here are some of the things I'd like to accomplish before heading to that big bucket list in the sky:

I'd like to survive in Indiana until summer or whenever the snow and below zero temperatures stop, whichever comes first (and Indiana you never know).

I'd like to go to a golf course on a par five hole at the middle distance tee and hit a drive that goes so far it actually clears the front tee.

I'd like to talk to the IT guy who comes to fix my computer and actually understand what he's talking about.

I'd like to understand what this whole zombie/Dracula thing is all about among young people.

I'd like to know how my wife can hear me opening the refrigerator from the other side of the house.

I'd like to fix a simple dripping faucet with a 25-cent washer without messing things up so badly I end up having to call a professional to repair my damage and get a $500 plumber's bill.

I'd like to see the Chicago Cubs win the World Series – but that might be asking for too much.

I'd like to take a nap without the telephone ringing the second I fall asleep (and it's someone selling cemetery plots).

I'd like to buy a $300 million jackpot lottery ticket and have just one of the winning numbers.

I'd like to go to the movies and get carded when I ask for the senior citizen's discount.

I'd like to find some pants in my closet that haven't dramatically shrunk.

I'd like to be snowbound at a Cold Stone Creamery.

I'd like to know why people in Florida think they have a right to complain when their temperature hits 50.

I'd like to hear the people on the Weather Channel be a lot less excited when they're describing blizzards in my city.

I'd like to expand on the lead from schools and put every day for the rest of my life on a two-hour delay.

I'd like to go to a movie and see something not blow up and people not get killed.

I'd like to see a weather front that pushes in eight inches of sunshine.

I'd like to drive through town without getting caught at every stoplight.

I'd like to see my adult children doing whatever they want with their lives as long as they get my approval first.

I'd like to eat all the food I love without gaining weight.

I'd like to hire someone to exercise for me.

I'd like to see a race between a grocery store scanner and a checkout lady from the 1970s (and I'll bet on the lady).

I'd like to see grocery stores create a cell phone app so I can type in what I'm looking for and find it.

I'd like to hear the doctor tell me, "You need to put on a little weight."

I'd like to hear the doctor's nurse say, "Sorry, we can't weight you today. Our scale is broken."

I'd like to hear a mechanic say, "Your car runs perfect. It doesn't need any repairs."

I'd like to find the car keys we lost three years ago.

I'd like to know what all the keys are for in the land of strange keys drawer in our kitchen.

I'd like to find a pen in our kitchen pen drawer that isn't all dried up.

I'd like to prepare and eat spaghetti without getting it on my shirt.

We have a self-cleaning oven. I'd like to have a self-cleaning garage and self-cleaning windows.

I'd like Santa to take down the Christmas decorations for us before he leaves at the end of the season.

I'd like to get a few cold days in August when we really need them.

I don't know how long I have to accomplish everything on this list. But I think I'm going to have to pass some of them off in my will.

Copyright © Federated Publications