A Fair Share
By John Norberg, humor columnist s

When couples get married they promise to share and share alike. It doesn't sound too hard. And they usually succeed with the easy things like sharing money.

Money is easy. There's usually none to share anyway.

But things get tough when it comes to sharing the important things in life.

Like dinner at a restaurant.

Wife: "What are you going to have?"

Me: "The 12-ounce fillet, very rare, with a large baked potato topped with sour cream, butter and parmesan, a large Cesar salad with extra dressing and garlic bread."

Wife: "I thought you were on a diet."

Me: "I am. Didn't you notice I cut out the broccoli?"

Wife: "That doesn't sound good to me at all."

Me: "I know. It's for me. I think it sounds great."

Wife: "Well, you know how large the portions are here. I just thought maybe instead of taking half of it home or wasting it we could find something we both like and share it."

Me: "I wasn't planning on taking half my meal home. And it might go to my waist, but I'm not gong to waste it."

Wife: "The salmon is very good here and it's a lot more than either of us should eat. What do you think about splitting the salmon?"

Me: "I think it wouldn't be nearly as good as the steak."

Wife: "Instead of the Cesar salad what would you say to splitting the light garden salad with vinegar and oil?"

Me: "I'd say you were trying to starve me to death."

Wife: "You know you're not supposed to eat steak and salad dressing and cheese and garlic bread. Do you know what that food is going to do to you?"

Me: "Make me full and happy?"

Wife: "It's going to send you to an early grave."

Me: "Do you know how old I am? It's too late for me to go to an early grave."

Wife: "You know you love salmon and I don't care for steak. When we got married we promised we would share and share alike."

Me: "But I didn't know that would extend to my dinner. I thought when we went out to a restaurant you wouldn't be able to eat all of your food and I'd get to share your leftovers."

Waitress: "Have you decided what you'd like?"

Me: "Okay, we'll share."

Wife: "We're going to split the salmon and the light garden salad with vinegar and oil."

Me: "Bring me a bowl of Cesar dressing on the side and an two orders of garlic bread."

After a brief wait the food comes.

Wife: "This salad is delicious. Can I have some of the garlic bread?"

Me: "MY garlic bread?"

Wife: "Well, I thought it was OUR garlic bread. Remember. Share and share alike. You have plenty. I just want one piece."

Me: "Okay, here."

Wife: "No, not that piece. That one is too small. I want that bigger one."

Me: "I was going to eat that one."

Wife: "You've eaten four pieces already."

Waitress: "Here's your salmon and I brought an extra plate."

She put the salmon in front of my wife and the empty plate in front of me.

Wife: "Okay, I'll cut this and give you half."

Me: "Wait a minute. Don't cut there. That's not equal halves. Your half is bigger."

Wife: "How do you know which one I was going to give you?"

Me: "Male intuition."

Wife: "Everyone knows there's no such thing as male intuition. I'll cut it right here. Equal halves."

Me: "They're still not equal. I've got a tape measure in my pocket. I'll measure and we'll know exactly where to cut."

Wife: "Who brings a tape measure to a restaurant to eat dinner with his wife?"

Me: "A husband who wants to make sure he gets a full half. Here, cut it right here where I made the mark."

She cut the salmon. I took half and she took half. I let her have all the broccoli.

Me: "Our neighbors are sitting right behind you."

Wife: "I'm not turning around so you can steal part of my dinner. I know your tricks."

When we finished the waitress returned.

Waitress: "Well, it looks like you enjoyed that! Now, will there be anything else? How about some of our chocolate covered brownie, ice cream sundae delight with whipped cream, nuts, and cherries? It's huge. The two of you could split it. I'll bring two spoons."

I was very much tempted to say yes.

But no matter what you promised years ago, there are some trials of sharing you should just never try to put your marriage through.

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