Drip, Drip, Drip
John Norberg, humor columnist s

Women go into marriage with great expectations from their husband.

But after a few years have passed they basically keep their man around the house for three reasons: To take out the garbage after being asked only four or five times; to kill spiders, especially those that are large, multi-colored, and hairy; and to fix leaky faucets in the bathrooms.

Most of us males can handle the garbage, as long as there isn't a game on TV. And I'm willing to battle spiders, although some of the spiders I've encountered have made me a strong proponent of the Second Amendment when it comes to arachnid extermination.

But when it comes to fixing a leaky bathroom faucet, the fact is very few men enter into marriage with any training in plumbing. We are left to learn "by the seat of our pants," which usually get pretty wet in the process, along with everything else.

Men actually should be trained in basic plumbing, electrical work, and carpentry before we marry. And I probably would have also benefited from some courses in separating garbage from the recycling and killing spiders without blowing a rather large hole in the wall.

I know pastors, rabbis and others today do counsel couples before marriage. It's great that they do this. But if our pastor really wanted to help us, he should have sent me to plumber's school before pronouncing us man and wife.

The fact is, when a woman marries a man she just assumes this guy is going know how to deal with certain issues.

Wife: "There is a leak in my bathroom faucet. Can you look at it?"

Me: "Sure. I'll be happy to look at it. In fact, I can stare at it all day if you'd like me to."

Wife: "I was thinking while you were looking at it you might also fix it."

Me: "As you know, and as you we were well aware when you married me, I am not a plumber. I do have some abilities, but not necessarily in the faucet fixing area."

Wife: "What can you do?"

Me: "I can write about your leaky faucet. What would you like me to write about it?"

Wife: "I'd like you to write that you fixed it."

I wonder: If writers are asked to do household plumbing, are plumbers asked to do household writing?

Every woman wants a handy man and I am handy around the house. I just can't fix anything. And the problem is I really hate to admit it. To admit it would be unmanly. So in the end, after procrastinating as long as possible, I do what most men do.

I work on the leaky bathroom faucet until water is gushing out of the pipes in the kitchen. And then I call an expert for help. I call a Realtor.

I call a Realtor because by the time I get through fixing a leak, it's too late for a plumber. The only hope is to sell the house to some other guy who's crazy enough to think he can fix it.

I don't have much success with home repair. To me it's more like home disrepair.

Summer is coming and to me that is a time to relax and enjoy life -- golfing, hammock lying, lemonade sipping. I've been waiting all winter for this.

But as I look at our home and some projects I really should do this summer, one thing is becoming abundantly clear to me.

Home restoration has nothing to do with rest.



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