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Unwrapping a shiny new red car
By John Norberg, humor columnist
We are the proud parents of a new,
shinny, red Hyundai Sonata.
Actually, it’s my wife’s car and the other day I asked if I could drive it.
“Of
course,” she said. “You can drive it to the gas station. Thanks for offering.”
You’d think after all these years I’d
know how she outsmarts me.
Wife:
“And don’t stop for food. No eating in this car. Remember your leaky burrito in
our last new car.”
Me:
“No eating! I’ll starve to death.”
Wife:
“Not in my new car you won’t. If you’re going to starve to death, do it in the
old car.”
To
be honest, I’m very particular about this car, too,
Wife:
“I’m going to the grocery store.”
Me:
“Don’t take the new car. What if a grocery cart crashes into it? What if milk
spills in the trunk? Take the old car that already has grocery store battle
scars.”
Wife:
“Okay, you take the old car grocery shopping. I’ll take my new car Christmas
shopping.”
Me:
“No. Shopping center parking lots are demolition derbies at Christmas. Everyone
is stressed and rushed. Cars are parked everywhere. There’s no room to open
doors and everyone bangs the car next to them.”
My
wife is also thinking of driving the car on vacation to Florida.
Me:
“We can’t drive it to Florida. Once you drive a car to Florida it’s not new anymore.
The new smell is gone. Grandkids leave banana peels under the seats. People
drag sand into it.”
Wife:
“But the new car gets super gas mileage.”
Me:
“It’ll use even less gas sitting in the garage. And you can’t take it out in
this winter weather, either. The roads are slick, someone might slide into you.
You’ll get road salt all over it. What if you’re driving through an underpass, a piece of ice falls and it
breaks your sunroof?”
Wife:
“You want me to wait until spring to drive the new car?”
Me:
“With all the chuckholes! No way.”
Wife:
“Fine. Instead of driving it, maybe we should just put it in the front yard and
hang Christmas lights on it.”
Well
it is red. And we could put a Santa behind the wheel . . .
Sometimes
I think the smartest thing we can do when we get a new car is just scratch it
and get it over with.
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