Shiny New Car
by John Norberg, humor columnist s

We are the proud parents of a new,shinny, red Hyundai Sonata.

Actually, it's my wife's car and the other day I asked if I could drive it.

"Ofcourse," she said. "You can drive it to the gas station. Thanks for offering."

You'd think after all these years I'dknow how she outsmarts me.

Wife:"And don't stop for food. No eating in this car. Remember your leaky burrito inour last new car."

Me:"No eating! I'll starve to death."

Wife:"Not in my new car you won't. If you're going to starve to death, do it in theold car."

Tobe honest, I'm very particular about this car, too,

Wife:"I'm going to the grocery store."

Me:"Don't take the new car. What if a grocery cart crashes into it? What if milkspills in the trunk? Take the old car that already has grocery store battlescars."

Wife:"Okay, you take the old car grocery shopping. I'll take my new car Christmasshopping."

Me:"No. Shopping center parking lots are demolition derbies at Christmas. Everyoneis stressed and rushed. Cars are parked everywhere. There's no room to opendoors and everyone bangs the car next to them."

Mywife is also thinking of driving the car on vacation to Florida.

Me:"We can't drive it to Florida. Once you drive a car to Florida it's not new anymore.The new smell is gone. Grandkids leave banana peels under the seats. Peopledrag sand into it."

Wife:"But the new car gets super gas mileage."

Me:"It'll use even less gas sitting in the garage. And you can't take it out inthis winter weather, either. The roads are slick, someone might slide into you.You'll get road salt all over it. What if you're driving through an underpass, a piece of ice falls and itbreaks your sunroof?"

Wife:"You want me to wait until spring to drive the new car?"

Me:"With all the chuckholes! No way."

Wife:"Fine. Instead of driving it, maybe we should just put it in the front yard andhang Christmas lights on it."

Well it is red. And we could put a Santa behind the wheel . . .

SometimesI think the smartest thing we can do when we get a new car is just scratch itand get it over with.

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