Biggest Loser
John Norberg, humor columnist s

Let's face it. We're all losers.

We lose things. That's what humans do. We put things down and a few minutes later we have no idea where we put them.

This has gotten worse over the ages. Cavemen didn't have much. They lived in a cave. Hard to lose that. They carried around a big club and wore an animal skin to keep warm. If all you have is a cave, a club and an animal skin you're not going to lose much.

But today we have so many things and they're all over the place. And we can't find the one thing we urgently need amid all the other stuff.

Me: "Have you seen my car keys?"

Wife: "Did you look in the refrigerator? That's where you left them last time. Remember, you put your keys down on the refrigerator shelf when you grabbed the piece of pie before you went to work. You were so preoccupied wolfing down the pie you left your keys on the shelf. I think we should put a key hanger in the refrigerator for you."

Me: "I need to know if you have seen my keys."

Wife: "Why?"

Me: "Because I also lost my glasses."

Wife: "Well find your glasses."

Me: "How am I going to find my glasses so I can find my keys when I can't see without my glasses?"

Wife: "Where were your glasses the last time you saw them?"

Me: "On my ears and nose."

Wife: "Let's analyze this. Why would you take off your glasses? Probably because there was something you didn't want to see. I've got it! You left your glasses by the big basket of laundry at the top of the stairs so that you wouldn't see the basket and have to carry it down."

I was offended at that and I told her so, right after I got my glasses by the laundry basket at the top of the stairs.

Wife: "I found your keys in the refrigerator next to what's left of that pie. So now you have your keys and glasses. You'd better take an umbrella when you go out because it's raining."

Me: "Have you seen my umbrella?"

Wife: "Where did you have it last?"

Me: "At a restaurant two weeks ago. But I can't go get it now. I'll get soaked walking from the car to the restaurant."

Wife: "You better call your office. You're not going to make it in today."

Me: "I can't call in sick."

Wife: "Call in lost."

Me: "I can't call the office. I've lost my cell phone."

Wife: "Call it and you'll hear it ring."

Me: "It's been sitting out all night. The battery is worn down."

This gets worse. Maybe it's old age. I lose my car in a parking garage. I can't remember what floor I'm on and I have to walk through the whole place clicking my door opener.

At work in the morning if I don't park in the same place and same parking lot I always use by the time I come out in the evening I have no idea where my car is.

When you get to be my age you don't need a GPS inside the car to tell you where you're going. You need a GPS to help you find your car.

I lose tools. I lose tickets to events. I lose the pizza cutter in the kitchen drawers. I lose my shoes.

Me: "Have you seen all my shoes. They aren't where I left them by the back door."

Wife: "I put them in the closet where they belong."

Me: "How am I supposed to find things if you put them where they belong?"

The only good thing about losing things is that I usually find other things I was looking for a week ago. But by the time I need those things again I can't remember where it was that I saw them.

The other day I went to the grocery store to get some things for a party.

Wife: "Did you get a big jar of peanuts for snacks? It was on the list. And look, it's right here on the receipt from the store."

Me: "I don't know. I must have lost it."

Wife: "You can't lose a jar of peanuts between here and the store. It's probably in the car. Why don't you look?"

I went out to the car. But I didn't bother to look.

I love peanuts. And sometimes when things can't be found they're actually not lost.

They're gone.

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