Indiana is a great state to be a weather forecaster because whatever they predict there's a very good chance they'll be right.
Do you know what it means when you get days like last week when the ground is covered by snow, the streets are covered with ice, it's 60 degrees and raining with thundersnow and lightening and fog, tornado watches and floods?
It means you live in Indiana where you don't have to wait for the seasons to change. You can have all four seasons on the same day.
Winter in Indiana now means you might need your furnace and your air conditioner on the same day.
Weather maps use various colors to warn us about what's coming. Each color means something. Green means light rain. Yellow means moderate rain, orange heavier rain and red means you better have an ark.
Various shades of pink mean freezing rain and snow. Light blue means more snow. Dark blue means panic, go to the grocery store and buy up all the milk, butter and bread you can fit in your cart.
Wife: "Did you see the weather report on TV today? What did it say?"
Me: "The national weather map had every color in the rainbow on it."
Wife: "What was our color?"
Wife: "There is no black on a weather map."
Me: "There is when you mix green, yellow, orange, red, pink and blue all together."
We've had a strange, tough winter and it's not over yet. There's more cold and weird stuff in the forecast.
You know you're in winter in Indiana when you turn on the TV and the local weatherman is giving you your forecast in a remote telecast from his new home in Miami.
You know you're in winter in Indiana when you get up and discover your windows are completely covered by something white and you're not sure if it's fog or snow.
You know you're in winter in Indiana when you put on your coat, your hat and gloves, get out the leash and the dog looks at you as if you're out of your mind.
You know you're in winter in Indiana when the weatherman tells you to proceed immediately to your basement or a safe spot in your home and don't come out until July.
You know you're in winter in Indiana when your furnace goes on a two-hour weather delay.
You know you're in winter in Indiana when the weatherman comes on TV, looks at the camera and just says "whatever . . ." And he's right.
The one nice thing we can say about weather in Indiana is that we always have something to complain about.
Me: "I'm not going outside. It's 20 degrees below zero. I'll have frostbite on my nose before I can get to the car. The snow is over my head and I'll probably slip and fall on the ice in the driveway. Only a crazy person would go out in this weather."
Me five months later: "I'm not going outside. It's 110 degrees in the shade. The humidity is so high the trees are perspiring. It looks like the concrete on our driveway is melting and if I touch the car that's been sitting out in the sun I'll get third degree burns. Only a crazy person would go out in this weather."
This week I officially came to my "I can't stand another second of winter" moment.
Me: "I can't stand it any longer. This winter is driving me crazy. I'm tired of being cooped up in the house. "
Wife: " Winter is almost over. It'll soon be spring and the weather will be beautiful."
Me: "Spring! Do you know what beautiful spring weather is in Indiana? It's one day in June that arrives between the ice storms, tornados and 110-degree summer scorchers.
But sooner or later that one, perfect spring day will come.
And when it does, all students and all non-essential employees should be told to stay home from work and schools so they can enjoy it.
We've had all the snow days off this winter we can stand.
What we need now is a sun day off this spring.
Copyright © Federated Publications